Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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