don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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