There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
