sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
