Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
