Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
