yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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