There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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