Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
