In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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