i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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