i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
