its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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