this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
