Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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