I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
