He asked to "fluff my boner.."
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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