Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
