I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
