Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
