I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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