It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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