my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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