omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
