I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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