We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
