I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
