The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
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So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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