Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
