I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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