My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
