Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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