At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
It's Friday. Sex?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
