You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
