i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
