first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
