I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
