Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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