What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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