i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
