It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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