Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
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I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
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Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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