she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
