I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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