hotel room ftw
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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