once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Couch. On fire.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
