The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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