I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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