When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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