While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
