whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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