Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
