I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
