party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
