i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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