but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
