He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
