standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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